November Letter 1

Iʻm a little late starting since itʻs already the 3rd of the month. However, my heart is heavy and sometimes itʻs better just to write it all down. Especially when I can return back any time and refer to what I deem worthy enough for my top 30 "gratitude notes." 

We begin:

Dear God, 

I think it is best starting with you because everything in which Iʻm grateful stems from you. I am grateful for the mere idea that Iʻm actually acknowledging your presence. There are many who do not know of your existence, shun the thought of you, or just think of you as someone in the hereafter. 
I know you are as real as I live. Thank you for that truth. 

It wasnʻt because my parents told me or my friends. It wasnʻt because the thought of you is "nice" or an experience of life or death that shook me to reconsider avenues. Iʻm the sort of person who wants to know truth, yes. But even more than that, I want to be loved. Thank you for that adoration. 
I remember when I was converted to that simple principle.

I would say my middle school years were probably the worst two years I could handle (at the time). Girls were vicious, cruel, threatened to beat me up... it was unbearable. It seemed like it was a daily occurrence. I would come home to my mom and feel safe and knew she was probably the only person I could trust. I needed something bigger though. 
I had prayed up to that point many times, but in routine of unemotional progressive thanks forʻs... etc. was the result. The night before high school I was scared of having similar problems with people leading to paranoia. 
So, I talked to You. I wanted so bad to know you loved me and didnʻt want me to feel that sadness. 
I found out soon enough you listened to a 14-year old girl. 
There wasnʻt any voice from above, no shifting of the elements. There was, however, an overwhelming warmness that covered my whole body from head-to-foot. For someone who is always cold, it was my euphoria. 
That was the beginning of my conversion. I have only strengthened it from that day. It will continue to be a process, a challenge at times. I will question certain things about religion and spirituality, of course!  
I will not question, the love that prevails between my Father in heaven and me. 

I cannot! There is a dependence that I have grown to love. You will always know more than me, you will always love more than me, and I am grateful! 

And God, for the times I have hurt more than I thought my heart could handle; for the hours when pain was so unbearable that living seemed too daunting of a task; for the mourning over losses so forcefully lonely I felt the dark hole inside me... thank you for being the ears to hear my screams. (I am sure you didnʻt appreciate some of the verbiage...)

And better yet, thank you for sharing the hidden excitements, the found trinkets, and in my bubbling-over-with-happiness-I-couldnʻt-contain-it hours in which you have participated. And we canʻt forget the jokes. I know, you know what Iʻm talking about. 

Thank you for being there before I knew it was possible. Thank you for saving me before I knew I was lost. I am grateful for the peace we share. 

Thank you God, my Father. 

A little light in the life of two

When your conversation is fragments and "noʻs" and your only exercise is grabbing a baby and pulling another one away, I suppose you are moved to write.

This post is mostly for my friend Brandi who is expecting twins, but also for those who need education in knowing friends, relatives or just some lady walking down the street who has twins. Letʻs show a little more empathy. There are books who preach, there are teachers who teach, there are lactation consultants who think they know boobs and body better than your life and tell you so. They donʻt really know your situation, and you really cannot know what they are talking about until you have twins, but at least this will give you somewhat of an idea of what they go through each day. (It is safe to say, Iʻm sure parents who have adopted children have similar discontent with ignorant bystanders.)
In no way am I complaining or using my children as an excuse. Do I want to throw a fit from time-to-time because itʻs the SAME THING EVERY DAY? Sure, but then I think of my sisters Briana and Elise who have 4 kids and a set of twins each and my cousin Meaghan who has 5 kids and 2 sets of twins, and then I realize, my life is a cake-walk to what they had/have to go through. Iʻm just telling you, the twin schedule IS the rule and you cannot mess it up or change it. If you do, it is hell for you and your husband.

Let me give you a run-down of what my day looks like:

AM
9:30:  babies wake up, they get changed and clothed. Then, itʻs my turn.
10:00: breakfast time
11:00 milk time
11:30 I get to eat
PM
12:00 play and probably change 2 soiled diapers during this time as well.
1:00 lunch time
1:40 milk time
2:00 nap time
2:30 This is where I get my time. I get to choose, do I exercise or clean? Or maybe half and half? Today Iʻve decided to write and maybe get in 40-45 min of cycling.
4:30 Chancey wakes up and gets to stretch a bit with me. Chancey doesnʻt sleep as long or as heavy as Vanessa. Just as long as they both have 2 hours at least, that is great!
Oh ya, I forgot about lunch for me. Oh well!
5:00 Vanessa wakes up and I start dinner. I can usually get away with them playing well together or maybe Matt has come home and he can watch them a bit before they eat.
6:00 They eat and if I plan it right, Matt and I can eat at the same time. Sometimes this works. Otherwise, they play or hang off our legs while we eat. Not as fun.
7:00 Milk and they go down for a little 1-hr nap
8:00 or 8:30 Dinner time (again)
9:00 Every other night itʻs bath night
9:30 or 10:00 Vanessa and Chancey go down for the night
10:30 I get to shower, clean up what I can and try to get to sleep before midnight.

Brandi, the best advice I got was take whatever anyone wants to give you! They are just trying to help in the way they know how! Even if you donʻt end up keeping it. (That goes for the hospital too!)

The best advice for those who want to help? Do things like clean the dishes, dust, go get groceries, hold a kid!

This schedule is, of course, when they turn about 9 mo or 10 mo. These kids were eating every 2 hours sometimes. At the beginning when I tried breast feeding, they wanted to feed every other hour. Thatʻs when I decided pumping was the route for me, and could see how much milk they were getting. That was also quite time-consuming. What am I trying to say? I think you know: your life is babies.

Matt and I figured we changed about 1,000/ month for the first little while. :O

Yes, theyʻre twins, no, they arenʻt identical. Yes I do have my hands full, no, I didnʻt know I was going to have twins. Yes, itʻs a lot of work, no, Iʻm not going to tell you if I want more children right now or any at all after twins! And if I used or if I did not use fertility is NONE of your business!

Genuine

In the year 200 BC there was an honor code in which to practice yoga. To compare, I would think it to be like The 10 Commandments. They were called Yamas (moral restraints) and Niyamas (moral observances). The hope is that when one practices yoga today, we try to do the same; Become a better person, to overcome selfish ways. A recent quote I found as of late, "Yoga is the martial art of the soul, and the opponent is the hardest one youʻve ever faced: your ego."

Iʻm sure with the crazy schedule of having twins, one would suspect there wouldnʻt be much time to do much else except babies. In most cases, this is true. Iʻm pretty-well glued to my house. However, my mind is not stationary, and many of the times it is trying to work over my own insecurities and impatience (since with two babies crying at the same time, you find pretty frequently).

I would like to talk about one of these Yamas since it has been on my mind and since Chancey and Vanessa are taking longer naps, I get to practice yoga daily. A HUGE relief as well a responsibility. "Satya - truthfulness, non-lying to self and others." A quote from my yoga certification information binder. What does this "moral restraint" actually mean when speaking to others or trying to understand oneself?

When I was going through my yoga certification I would call these times ceilings. I couldnʻt quite get past a certain problem, and wouldnʻt you know, by the end of the weekend of practicing, the ceiling would open and I could adjust my attitude or change my perspective; I would understand where I was wrong. Or in other words, overcome my ego.

Maybe this is the start of the light or enlightenment with satya. You have to know you are wrong, or in other words, humble yourself to the answer. One of my favorite books the author mentions, are you trying to find the right answer, or are you trying to be right? When desperation overtakes, you donʻt care any longer if you are right, you just want to know whatʻs right. Is desperation, honesty? Or do you crave it? Do you seek honesty? Non-lying?

A friend of mine, after a very hard separation and divorce, is now starting to date. Whatʻs her #1 criteria? "I just donʻt want him to lie to me." That is a fantastic hope! If the saying is true though, "you are who you attract,"she has to be living an honest lifestyle herself. Is she going against her own principle? When speaking to these men, are her words direct and does she say what she really means?

I find myself sometimes skirting around issues when addressing my husband. "Wow, Iʻm getting cold." What I really mean to say is, "Matt, Iʻm cold, will you turn the air conditioner up please?" Being direct in what you want doesnʻt necessarily mean you are heartless to the other person in which you are speaking. It means, you are being honest with yourself, and in turn, they can trust that you will continue to be that way. This is another way satya portrays itself. On the opposing side, when you are rude to someone and speak illy of them, you are actually being dishonest as well. You are not a heartless person, so you are going against who you really mean to be: a kind and forgiving individual. (Unless you are a heartless guttersnipe, and in that case, please keep your distance.)

Another example: Saying no when you really want to say no. This one is a hard one for many people, I venture to say more times with women then men. We have a hard time knowing our limits and being true to our boundaries. My neighbor is a good example of this very issue. She and her husband have been so kind as to watch our children from time to time. I can appreciate her telling me upfront when she cannot and when her schedule permits her to help. There are times when I have called and she has told me no, and then responds quickly, "But think of me again in the future!" I respect that she lives a purposeful life filled with things to do. She is also serviceable but will not be taken advantage of when asked. Itʻs time to turn our thoughts from "I donʻt want to hurt them" to "I want to be truthful to myself and to others. They will respect me in the future, and I will honor their friendship more."

A lot has happened in 2 years.

Last night I was thinking, I need to start this blog up again. Now that Vanessa and Chancey are taking a longer nap during the day, itʻs time. The words will come, but for now, Iʻll begin with pictures.

Itʻs fun to see their personalities come out these days, but then when the whining commences, thatʻs when itʻs not as fun... I still canʻt believe Iʻm a mother and a mother with two babies! So bizarre! 

My wedding

Some folks wanted to see some pictures from my wedding! WOOPS! Hadnʻt posted those yet! Here they are!

Here are the ones from Ohio:

Here are some from Utah:

And of course, some from our Honeymoon on the Big Island and Oahu:

Dreaming awareness

Driving and couldn't control my car

i slid into a place that i was fearful of - the thought of "i have nothing... my car is totaled. I have nothing."

i sat there in this embankment realizing that i hadn't taken off the brake.

foolish and destroyed, defeated and whithered.

i was aware of my stomach. all the numb pain was there.

snow fell around the car and i did nothing.

as i sat there completely useless, just then 4 men hurry into the 2 seats next to me in the back seats where i sat there motionless in the middle.

the other 2 men got in the front seat and passenger's seat. they were yelling to each other to hurry and leave before anyone saw and to help get me out of the mess.

i felt safe. numb and absolutely helpless but safe with these men.

Has it really been that long?

Really? 2012?
That was a long time ago, and itʻs nearing 2014... Well, itʻs time then.

An overview:

Matt and I moved to Pittsburgh where the land is filled with bridges and yellow. Yes, home of the Steelers, Pirates and Penguins, thereʻs a lot of yellow and black swimming around.

It has itʻs perks. The food,

green trees

and roller coasters... oh wait, those are roads. Yes, the ridiculous roads, windy and slanted, they give me anxiety thinking I could be driving on them come winter-time.
Thank you Justin and Carrie for your photo to demonstrate.

Matt came first to our townhome in March as I followed in April. 

I and transferred here to the Banana Republic, a YMCA teaching yoga, kids yoga and Pilates, and currently, have one piano student. Matt has enjoyed his job at Clean-up Fire and Water (minus the fact that he has to shave, yes, I am equally disappointed since now it looks like I am married to a 19-yr old). 

June 6th, our lives changed though. "The test came back positive" sang the nurse to me. It was true, I was pregnant. Iʻve never done this before. This is a new one to hear directed to me. It wasnʻt until the 22nd we actually found out there was TWO swimming around in there. There they were with the ultrasound and all in their own little apartments, Matt and my fraternal twins. Surprised, we were. Excited? Um... Iʻm getting there. Itʻs a little nerve-racking holding 2 living souls inside of you for the first time. Iʻll get there though. 

Due: February 14, 2014.