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Friday, September 11, 2009

New? I wish... sometimes

I was writing an email to a friend this morning that threw me for a loop. I was telling her how much my life was still the same: unknown. "Why doesn't this change?"

Now, let's look at that a minute. My life is still the same but it's also unknown - Doesn't that mean that it's going to change all the time? Well that's what I want! I want it to change. It seems to be either a cycle of misery or I'm stubborn enough not to notice what is changing or how?
Maybe that's my problem. I'm looking for change all in the wrong places? ("...No fine girls just ugly faces..."? - You know the song.) Things change, but how they change or what changes actually remains the same. It seems as if I'm stepping right up to the edge of the cliff trying to look over; wondering how I want to get across rather than how will it happen for me to have the means to get past the craters and valleys below. But what's on the other side?! Is there another side? Frustration mixed with impatience becomes my grudged cement shoes.

I'm certainly not in the place I thought I was going to be even a month ago. I'm listening to an 80's radio station at my dad's office at The Ohio State University. I'm typing at a computer while slowly I feel energy and brain cells getting sucked-out through my eyeballs into the computer screen and creative juices becoming frozen within the air-conditioned room. (Why does it have to be so incredibly frigid?!) I have a window and that is appreciated, but then again, I feel like the trees mock me with the fact that they get to feel the wind in their branches and sunshine in their leaves and I covet the very idea of blue skies smiling at them and not me. Irving Berlin your song displeases me.

I have been out of HI almost a whole year as I discovered last night, and still there isn't a day that goes by that I don't reminisce about... well, mostly the weather since Ohio has had it's fair share of the pretty 78 + degrees. Has time really lapsed that quickly? Yet, it has also seemed like years of unnecessary confinement. Not to say Ohio is bad, but let's be honest, it's no Hawaii...esp. around January.
I guess I am doing more of my fair share of pining over new horizons when some change has happened to me, but the whining comes since change hasn't come because of me. Maybe that's the humility in it all... just because I am one to want change and welcome any amount, I get the answer to wait and be patient. The answer comes in not only peace but a clever little thing set-up by the bank to show me what that I do have...lots and lots of change...
That's not what I meant.

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