Today seems about right.

Iʻm here sitting in a writing mood. Maybe itʻs because Amber just sent me her paper and I was mentioned or maybe the reason Iʻm talking with a friend about the church... is it true or not. Either way, I think itʻs time to write.

Iʻve come to some beautiful realizations lately. My views of what happiness and awareness have been the root of the exploration. Iʻve typed pages and pages of insights and feelings; emotions and movements that have caught me and challenged me to find things simply and deeply.

I am happy.

I can honestly say itʻs become who I am.

I am happy.

It lives within me and moves with me as I walk and talk through lifeʻs day.

Another simple concept: Choice! The option of letting things go just because I want to feel better and heal. I can change my thought-processes, and let cleansing to take place! I suppose I've been more apt to justify my actions with "this is who I am" and "how I've been raised". I now see the value in taking responsibility for those thoughts, not just the reason why. I now reach past the original thought and move to "now what can I do about it?" How many of us just stay within our past of a comfortable zone: what we've always done and so it must be right.

Thanksgiving was probably the best this year.

Out

I slowed to a stop at the red light and watched as a young man carrying some take-out food walked out onto the cross walk with a guiding stick as his eyes. As he began walking though, an impatient truck driver rushed and cut the man off before he got to the other side of the road.

I found it amazing that the blind man knew to stop and good thing he did.

Just when I thought the scene had played-out, a bicyclist pulls out onto the cross-walk teasing and mocking the blind man who, by this time, had walked himself on the curb and continued in stride as my traffic light turns green. My heart stung. I hurt for the man who probably gets overlooked, under-appreciated and mocked more times than I beheld, and I saw the whole thing. I couldn't have done a thing, but drive...

Perspective wake-up call: There I had previously thought that things were unsettled in my life, that I ached because there are things I am unable to do in my life right now... And there I was DRIVING because I could SEE a green light.

Gina, bring yourself back to the reality of looking beyond your nose and that you are blessed beyond what your senses could possibly absorb! Be grateful!

August of wind...

"And he said, Go forth, and stand upon the mount before the Lord. And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake into pieces the rocks before the LORD; but the LORD was not in the wind: and after the wind, an earthquake; but the Lord was not in the earthquake: And after the earthquake, a fire; but the LORD was not in the fire; and after the fire, a still small voice." 1 Kings 19:11&12

And thus it is for me. I find it quite ridiculous that it takes me "over-and-over-again" to realize how God speaks to me. My desires eventually line-up with His, it just takes me a while... longer than it should; I'm just glad I'm not as slow as I've been in the past. I think it helped that I recently went to Florida and thought about nothing staring at the ocean. It's so grand, it takes anything you seem to fret with, soaks it up and rolls it back into it's waves. There is nothing too worrisome for the most powerful.

I'm so happy that the peace has finally settled and here I am in Ohio for a little while (at least until May). One of my goals has been to get my Yoga certification and FINALLY I am going to start the program in Sept. and it goes until May. I still find it hard to believe that I'm actually going to be doing this! I've been talking about it for years! However, there are a few things that will be changing that get me a bit unsettled... my job at OSU will be ending beginning of Sept., I would like to go to school since I know I'll be staying here for a bit... etc...

Or maybe it will get entirely switched again and none of these things will be as they are planning. It's been known to happen.

This is Gina's life after-all...

The Beatles said it best when they said, "Let it be".

Extremes

I suppose it's going to be quite bi-polar enough to read what I just wrote last week and then contrast to what I'm going to write today.

I tend to do the same thing at work everyday. I begin my day by opening internet pages of the news and email. I click through, look at, and read some of what I see. Today, a certain story caught me off-guard: A cancer survivor who looses his face in order to stay alive.

That's going to keep you interested.

A year after he was married he found out he had a tumor in his face and in order to get rid of it, he had to have surgery to take most of his face off. The other option was to let the cancer continue it's course and claim his life. He chose the surgery. Years went by with this dark hole for a face until word got to a certain man who heard about the cancer victim. He offered to construct a prosthetic nose and forehead for him so it wouldn't be so difficult for others as well as himself to face public eye. That in itself was quite the story to be as kind and giving of the artist.

However, it wasn't so much the man who constructed the new face that pulled the emotion out of me. It was the victim's wife.

Through the whole interview and story, she remained positive and loving. You could sense that she loved him more than her eyes needed to see to keep her close to his side. It was everything deeper. I looked up to this woman and didn't even know her. What love did she have? I wanted what she had: the deepest as she saw her and her husband's relationship. That's how I ideally want to be in love with a future "mine" but could I?

I caught myself asking if I would be that steadfast. I hoped I would be. Would I find solutions? Would I be the strong one to lift my husband if that happened to him? Could I be the one to support him? Could I be the happy and upbeat one?

Do I find myself looking too hard on the outward to notice how the inward ultimately defines men more of who they truly are? Deceiving me both extremes, I probably do just because I have eyes to see; Placing judgements blindly before I know who they honestly are. How do I do this over and over again? Why don't I catch myself?

Oh- how my sight gets in the way at times... oh, how I take my true eyes for granted.

God, please help me see.

Far from what I usually write

Today I will be entertaining you with a new discovery.
I think 3 celebrities are hot.
Yes, as weird as this is going to sound, I have kept myself pretty-much closed-off from the world of fame and fortune. However, there are three dudes that have always grabbed attention over the years. A few friends and family members will know of at least one or two of them. Funny thing, they all are very similar come to find out.
I never put the three together until yesterday. There I was listening to Craig David and swooning... clicked on a link about Lenny Kravitz who went and jammed with some choir in the streets... *swoon... and lastly, thought about Counting Crows because when do I not? Adam... swoon... Sexy... sexy dudes...

I think I have a "type". Never thought I did.

So, if you have dreads or ever did in your life, dark skinned, dark eyes, friendly face, (it also helps if you have a defined jaw-line), older than me or the same age, loves to sing and carry emotion in your lyrics as well as the melody (and lives for it), at least my height or taller, great smile, (helps if you make more money than I do...), Christian, loves to exercise, loves people, (having an accent also helps)...This, then, qualifies you to be "swooned after" by Gina.

It's been a while

Hello world. It's June and it's magnificent! The sun shines and that means I do too! I learned that the word for sun-worship is heliolatry. I have pin-pointed my problem. Do I want to change it or somehow help myself get over this? Hmmm... absolutely not.

The first day of summer has passed and we're nearing July. What does that mean for me? My birthday. What does that mean for everyone else? Presents for me. Don't worry, I'm accepting presents all month, no need to worry about the specific day. I usually take the day of my birth as one of joyous and momentous to all those who surround me and my little world. If you don't agree with such, you are not whom I want to continue to associate, and let's get that out in the open as well as out of the way. The way I see it, it works the other way as well. Yes, you are that cool.

I wish I could tell you some really huge things that have been happening, but most of them have been ones I've kept to myself and straight from God. I'm grateful for Him. What a blessing it is to know of His availibility! I talked to a good friend on Sunday, Kai, telling me about how grateful she is and how spoiled she thinks she is living as faithfilled as she is! How refeshing to hear gratitude! It's made me refelect on how often I tell others thank you for just being in my life and sharing our exsitence together! I'm very happy to know there is a National Thank you MONTH. Not just day. Too bad we missed it. January guys. Remember that one.

I just thought of an idea. Be prepared friends. This has everything to do with you!

Let's see... I've been thinking that maybe I should just move back to HI? Or maybe UT? Maybe Virginia... never lived on the east coast and they have a beach!

I went to a Yoga training this past weekend and started me thinking about a lot of questions to answer. I want to get my yoga certification... where should I go?
Should I stay in Ohio?
Should I enroll for classes here at OSU?
What are my passions?
What makes me happy?
I'm sure I've asked myself some of these questions before...

Did I mention that my birthday was coming up?

Scramble

This is my brain... This is my brain as glass... Any questions?

Last night I tried something new.

I wrote for a solid 20 minutes without any punctuation

str u ct ure or clue of an end...............................................

I set my timer and wrote until the time told me it was over. I didn't look to see if I had made any mistakes when I was done. There was no need to re-read. I know what constantly squishes through my brain to nag and remind me of the "realities of life". The word- flow came out of my brain and onto paper for a reason and I absolutely don't want to see them ever again. They were thoughts that don't need to be explored, reasons I don't need to stress about because there is not a single thing I can do about the made-up stories. Nor are they emotions that seem real to me today as they were yesterday.

"Now" becomes more familiar because it is as it is.

"Real freedom is being mindful of what is, not what we think is. You can be mindful of mental formations as mental formations and pull the rug out from your thoughts' power over you. Our thoughts are mostly inaccurate. So, don't believe everything you think. We tend toward grasping or aversion. But if you can see there's nothing to hold or push, you lighten up and let go of reactivity because nothing's lacking." - Frank Jude Boccio

(Three personalities talk about the clouds... They will always have very different perspectives.)

Whereʻs the moon in this shot?

Columbus can look pretty especially when the sky has so much room to show itself. :)

Dis....something....

Getting a bit festive, I know. Look! Appreciate that I'm ringing in the spring with green!!

I guess I'm writing today for the simple fact that I'm disturbed. Disturbed enough to write about it, so I guess you could say, annoyance is also a factor.

Addressing the male species:
Maybe there is, as crazy as this is going to be, another reason you're in Ohio?
Maybe you're not really to date exclusively at all any of the girls you come in contact?
Am I ridiculous?
What if there is this overwhelming need in the world to strengthen the communication of person-to-person relationships rather than the motivating force to be constantly committed to another person of the opposite sex? Maybe, just maybe, we are in the certain "season of our lives" just to experience just what it is?

I am not saying there is no need to date, nor is there a reason there shouldn't be a need to be married and have children. I am saying, however, there are other reasons to live up to your "full potential" and maybe your full potential right now is just to be single and love the abilities you're working on, what you are doing, and what you have right now?

Maybe, just maybe there are other reasons you're in the singles ward than to view the menu and find a wife. Maybe, just maybe, she's not there and you're there to better yourself as you interact, and lest I say it, actually communicate better with those of the opposite sex? Maybe these women can help you in eventually having a girlfriend? Or MAYBE you can feel better and more confident within the relationship with your "Eventual" and then provide a less awkward situation for a family ward setting? You can actually talk to other women without it being romantic. "In singles wards there's always a romantic slant to it." A friend told me recently. Really? Did you know that is what you will be doing? You know, at work, at church... neighborhoods... associating with people all the time? AND OTHER GIRLS!

Maybe that's the problem. Men get so used to talking to girls as potential they forget that one day we're all just going to be married with children anyway... I don't know... So then what? We can't talk to them? No mixing unless standing with your wife? Where's the maturity in knowing where your relationship is with your wife as well as yourself? Really? So get ready for it now boys. You have eternity with that woman! Maybe learn something from your friends!

I guess I should be grateful that I'm dealing with the "Mormon versions" of guys I suppose.... right? Right? Riiiiiiiiiiiiight.

A head, heart and stomach! See! Stomach doesn't even start with an H!

Oh- the clouds will come out TOMORROW! Brush away the hint of sunlight and thought of shadows 'cause there's none!!! TOOOOO-MORROW, TOOOOO-MORROW, I hate ya, TOMORROW, another grey day away....

So we had some sunshine last Thursday I think.

Here I am in February and I can't seem to shake this cloud over my head.

Maybe it's time to go tanning... Just once or twice so I can feel some sort of vitamin D. I haven't felt it in a very long time and it seems almost a sin that I would continue through another month of dreary and cold.

Along with my skin, my stomach hasn't been up to good working order. My skin may have something to do with it. But then again, it can't be my skin's shortcoming. Where do I point the finger?

I convince my mind that it is in control at times or maybe it's my hearts that choses to carry most emotion I don't want to show. It might begin at those places, but I find that our bodies then take over and provide most the agony. My brain might think negatively and worry about movements in mine and other friends' lives that I cannot control. My heart might beat heavily to ache for others or love anyone who'll let me. But, it then is transported through-out my body and in turn, feels the affects of the confusion taking place. My shoulders tense, legs shake and become weak, my stomach proceeds to despise all foods because food now means "not understanding" from the same way her head and heart has led her to believe... they certainly don't live similar time-periods.

"It's your fault" my insides scream!

Pain.

Exhaustion.

My body didn't come-up with these words but, oh! how they rage in my core!

Seclusion.

Sadness.

My stomach is as far away as it can possibly reside and wants no part to what my brain's businesses and my heart's hurts.

Yet, here I am... an upset stomach in every sense of the word and every thought-about-it.