Letter/Poem 10

I wrote this poem flying away from Hawaii in 2008; One of the most mournful days of my life.  

Every day I think of Hawaii. 

Every day I am grateful I took the leap to risk my heart to love and fly out to Hawaii. And then, turn around after heartsickness, to create my own world and establish myself freely of no one elseʻs ruling. 

I was in a land of strangers in the beginning and upon leaving, I left behind so many familiar hugs. So many smiling, loving faces come into my mind as I write this; so many people helped me find my voice. Literally as well as figuratively. 

I am so grateful for my home: Hawaii. I crave it.  

Built Upon Rocks

I'm leaving you. 

    Choosing to no longer breathe the air you breathe;

Touch the same soil you touch. 

I am leaving my physical closeness to you- 

I have used my agency to transition away from where you stand: much higher than I think I could ever be. 

You have constantly remained stalwart and unmoving.  

You have changed with me, however. 

You have grown deeper, richer and helped me climb higher than I ever thought was possible; 

All within me.

You have experienced anguish as it has poured from your clouds, into my eyes and left trails from sidewalks to streets of employment and education to my residence as well as homes of caring friends. 

Your relationship to me has molded me into a someone my past can never recognize. 

Thank you. 

I have improved and changed for the better... 

But oh, how there's much more to 

Do... 

Be... 

Know... 

So it is thus:  progression and advancement from you.

Oh-how you have provoked me to stare at your fresh greens, dreamy blues and secure browns; 

Become lost in your ever-present scorching yellows, or calmness of black cloth stretched above me...

Always showing me that what I see is never really what I'm putatively to see.

What is it I need to learn from you that I have not already? 

What have I missed? 

What haven't I not dove into?

What explorations have I not yet mastered? 

Who have I not shared with more valuable time? 

You have been the foundation of people who have moved within and out of my existence; 

Sharing a commonality of carefree principles and appreciated legs and arms to know your sands and freedom. 

Do you want me to run away?  

Do you want me to keep looking back? 

You are all I want to see. 

Years spent demolishing pride and building-up confidence... 

Months residing in your stress-free environment to try and emulate moderation and meditation in every motion...

And still feeling like you are so much more the wiser. 

Will I ever understand?

Selfishly, I am clinging on to the comfort of your presence.

You have given with ease your ownership of land to borrow and delve, and still feel in-debted to my new creation of spaces I have found in you - 

brimming full of imagination and originality.

You have blessed me with the involvement of faces, hours and exposures of all senses; 

Helped me conquer  myself so many times by crying out to your sky or scouring-out answers as I hoped they would roll-in from your waves. 

You have been my macrocosm. 

The holistic woman I have become has been simply because of your forever majesty, perfect masterpieces and patient knowledge that I get closer to God as I drink refreshment from and feast with gluttony upon your grandeur. 

Just know I leave you only to carry you with me. 

I know you now:

My Hawaii.