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Tuesday, November 3, 2015

November Letter 1

Iʻm a little late starting since itʻs already the 3rd of the month. However, my heart is heavy and sometimes itʻs better just to write it all down. Especially when I can return back any time and refer to what I deem worthy enough for my top 30 "gratitude notes." 

We begin:

Dear God, 

I think it is best starting with you because everything in which Iʻm grateful stems from you. I am grateful for the mere idea that Iʻm actually acknowledging your presence. There are many who do not know of your existence, shun the thought of you, or just think of you as someone in the hereafter. 
I know you are as real as I live. Thank you for that truth. 

It wasnʻt because my parents told me or my friends. It wasnʻt because the thought of you is "nice" or an experience of life or death that shook me to reconsider avenues. Iʻm the sort of person who wants to know truth, yes. But even more than that, I want to be loved. Thank you for that adoration. 
I remember when I was converted to that simple principle.

I would say my middle school years were probably the worst two years I could handle (at the time). Girls were vicious, cruel, threatened to beat me up... it was unbearable. It seemed like it was a daily occurrence. I would come home to my mom and feel safe and knew she was probably the only person I could trust. I needed something bigger though. 
I had prayed up to that point many times, but in routine of unemotional progressive thanks forʻs... etc. was the result. The night before high school I was scared of having similar problems with people leading to paranoia. 
So, I talked to You. I wanted so bad to know you loved me and didnʻt want me to feel that sadness. 
I found out soon enough you listened to a 14-year old girl. 
There wasnʻt any voice from above, no shifting of the elements. There was, however, an overwhelming warmness that covered my whole body from head-to-foot. For someone who is always cold, it was my euphoria. 
That was the beginning of my conversion. I have only strengthened it from that day. It will continue to be a process, a challenge at times. I will question certain things about religion and spirituality, of course!  
I will not question, the love that prevails between my Father in heaven and me. 

I cannot! There is a dependence that I have grown to love. You will always know more than me, you will always love more than me, and I am grateful! 

And God, for the times I have hurt more than I thought my heart could handle; for the hours when pain was so unbearable that living seemed too daunting of a task; for the mourning over losses so forcefully lonely I felt the dark hole inside me... thank you for being the ears to hear my screams. (I am sure you didnʻt appreciate some of the verbiage...)

And better yet, thank you for sharing the hidden excitements, the found trinkets, and in my bubbling-over-with-happiness-I-couldnʻt-contain-it hours in which you have participated. And we canʻt forget the jokes. I know, you know what Iʻm talking about. 

Thank you for being there before I knew it was possible. Thank you for saving me before I knew I was lost. I am grateful for the peace we share. 

Thank you God, my Father.